HOPE EVERYONE LEARNED THEIR LESSON ON BUM-ASS TONY POLLARD

[heathenist]

Sept 7, 2021 16:56:01 GMT -5 Untalented Elvis Costello said:

I have before, I think Trey did last season

I was gonna ask if y’all wanted me to do it again this year. I don’t mind, but if someone else wants to do it then go for it.

[itii]

Sept 7, 2021 19:57:15 GMT -5 heathenist said:

Sept 7, 2021 16:56:01 GMT -5 Untalented Elvis Costello said:

I have before, I think Trey did last season

I was gonna ask if y’all wanted me to do it again this year. I don’t mind, but if someone else wants to do it then go for it.

You're methodical, well written and debatably funny. I vote you.

[yosupbro]

same

[I Gave You Power]

I typically do and I will try to before the game tomorrow night. May actually be able to squeeze it in today.

[I Gave You Power]

J.P. Losman Memorial League:

WEREWOLF COCK 69: I opened your team to see Jalen Hurts as your starting QB and just audibly LOL'd. I then LOL'd again when seeing you're riding the Kirk Cousins express with BOTH starting WRs. That's, uh, something. Not sure if 'strategy' is the word but it's something. Great starting RBs and Chase Edmonds could have a solid year as the lead guy there but brother you are in for an absolute world of hurt with this roster. D+

LAMAR JACKSON'S INVERMECTIN PLUG: Josh Allen, CMC and Calvin Ridley could all finish as literally the top fantasy guy in their respective positions so that alone will keep you relevant and I do like Hockensen as Goff's safety net because he has no WRs there. But the bench is absolute smallpox and JuJu will record more TikTok dances than touchdowns. B

THE AMAZING CORGIS: Another person that doesn't know you are legally allowed to put good players (Kareem Hunt excepted) on the bench. Mahomes/Dalvin/A.J. Brown as a trio rivals our werewolf friend up there, though, and if Kyle Pitts is half as good as advertised he's gonna win you some weeks on his own given what shlock most of us have at TE. PARRIS CAMPBELL my guy? He has 198 yards in two years total and you think the corpse of Carson wen'tz is gonna make him better? B

MASK OFF ALL STARS: I want to give you an F- for Russell Wilson alone. That dude goes off for one 57-point game a season and it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS against me. I hope he and Tyler Locket fall in a ravine full of broken glass and miracle whip. Anyhow, very strong group of starters here though I don't at all buy Brandon Aiyuk as an RB2 given SF's running proclivities and the other similar WRs there around him. Good bench too with Claypool, Pollard for Zeke's annual injury and Ty'Son Williams to have some games in that run-heavy scheme. A

ANTONIO BROWN'S FROZEN FEET: May as well cryogenically freeze this shit sandwich so that somebody will be able to eat some pieces of corn after our impending climate apocalypse. Kyler and Diggs are obvious studs and Kupp will feast with Matty Staff but I don't like much beyond that. Zeke sucks. Edwards-Helaire is great on syllables, bad on stat sheets. You literally don't have a WR2 right now. Ja'Marr chase looks like Nelson Agholor in an Ari Aster movie. Trey Sermon is like fourth on the depth chart. You've got the no. 3 Panthers receiver in a year where I wouldn't roster their no. 1. C

CAPTKIRKSPLEXI GLASSGASCHAMBER: Sticking with the film motif if this roster was a movie it would be something from Michael Hanenke. Like just one quick look and you know something is very, very off and while you're not sure what you are sure it'll be horrific when you find out. You're putting a LOT of stock in a rebuilt rookie knee and a guy who is named after an article of clothing. Miles Sanders and Mike Davis is the worst RB room in the league and I don't have to see the last four teams to verify that. Davante, Tyreek and Kittle could put up 80 points a week between them and from the looks of it they'll goddamn need to. You have two Broncos running backs. On purpose. D-

MY TEAM IS GARBAGE: Not really! Dak could gun for QB1 if he's at even 85% of last year's pace, Keenan Allen is perpetually undervalued and I think Curtis Samuel has an absolutely insane year as WR2 in Washington. Aaron Jones is steady as they come and the Pats defense produces a ton of turnovers and has guys coming back. Lot to like there. Some to hate, too, with Will Fuller's useless ass and Kenny Golladay playing with a QB that prefers fumbles to touchdowns. No really though Will Fuller is a terrible pick. How are you rostering that guy? Brings the whole grade down. B+

IS BOARD LIFE: If this grade was on starting roster alone it'd be an A+. Studs across the board. And Justin Herbert on your bench is an insane luxury. But the rest of the bench drags this down. Pittman would be a sneaky play with a better QB (Devonta Smith too) but Bryan Edwards and David Johnson are absolute debris. Darrell Henderson Jr is Benjarvus Green-Ellis with a lamer name. A

DREW LOCK'S MVP SEASON: I would say this roster is a wing and a prayer but maybe, like, a wing on an ostrich. Or a lawnmower. Lamar and Kelce are unreal and James Robinson will be better this year than last (and have more volume) but Joe Mixon is a soiled diaper, Jeudy is in a very crowded WR room and Jalen Reagor wouldn't be the best WR on Bishop Sycamore. Some sneaky value on the bench with Moss, Corey Davis and Damien Harris though so I imagine that starting roster looks very different in a few weeks. C+

BRITT REID'S DRIVING SCHOOL: Simply magisterial. The top-5 with Rodgers, Ekeler, Gibson, Cooper and Woods is dynamic: Guaranteed volume, lot of home run ability. If Myles Gaskin builds off last season an absolute steal as a FLEX guy. Bench is wildly uneven, though. Mostert and Landry could provide serious sparks but Sutton is in that same crowded WR room as Jeudy and James Conner is a shoe-in for the Jordan Howard is Caught in Quicksand again Award. Elijah Moore is a Jets skill position player. A

[heathenist]

TOB9L 2021 Draft Grades

Alex/[Ravens Reference Here]
Nice starting lineup with good balance. CMC is basically two players in one when healthy and Gus should be a great value. Robinson/DJ Moore are a decent combo, but DJ needs to get more TDs to really make a splash and I don’t see that happening, especially with CMC healthy and Sam Darnold at QB. Don’t love Russ at QB due to his inconsistency, but he’ll also win you weeks, shoulda stuck with your earlier proclamation of loving Ryan Tannehill and grabbed him later, you could have gotten the Davis stack at the 6/7 turn with Mike and Corey. Gus and Mike Davis were good finds in the middle-ish rounds. I tried talking you out of Mike Davis in the 7th, because I wanted him 3 picks later, but wasn’t dissuasive enough. Getting a premier TE was a nice touch as well. And while I like the starting lineup, the bench is pretty rough. I don’t like any of those WRs, but the upside is, you can drop them early if they don’t show up. But we gotta talk about something. WHO THE FUCK IS THAT KICKER?! Josh Lambo? Come on. Guess you should have drafted Tucker in the 9th if you wanted to stand a chance this season. B


Trev/Dr. Anderson Optometrist
Alvin Kamara. Great pick. Exactly what I would have done with the 3rd overall pick. Beyond that…? Justin Jefferson will probably continue to be great, but not a crazy value in the 2nd round or anything. Herbert is poised to either have a great season, or completely bust when he falls into a second year slump. Despite burning me last year, I think Clyde is a good value this year and has potential to step it up to the next level. Where you really lost me is Chris Godwin, while talented, I just worry about the WR core in Tampa, way too much talent and Brady will spread it around. Godwin might be the guy one week and the next it could be Evans, or Brown, or Gronk, or Howard. Same with Ronald Jones, which week with he be the guy and which week will Fournette or Gio be the guy? And jesus fucking christ, are people still drafting David Johnson, I know it was super late, but it just seems like a pick with zero upside that will inevitably be tossed to the waiver wire after 4-5 completely miserable weeks sitting on the bench. B


Me/There Wen’tz My Chubb
Overall fairly happy with this draft, despite hating the number 4 drafting position. I wasn’t trying to, but somehow ended up drafting a nearly identical lineup as in the Losman. Which means Joe Mixon is my number 1 RB in both of the leagues I’m in… not ideal. But if he doesn’t work out I at least have Philip Lindsay and Trey Sermon to lean on… whoops. I feel way more confident at WR with lots of depth and upside. I reached for Jeudy but I’m banking on him having a breakout campaign. He is really, really good at getting open in the middle of the field and guess who really, really likes throwing top open receivers in the middle of the field? Teddy Bridgewater. I think Juedy is gonna be a ppr machine and will probably break a few open over the season. And James Robinson in the back of the 4th could be a huge steal if he has anywhere near the workload as last year. Kelce at 4 was a bit of a reach, but he should provide nice stability at the position something I’ve been missing the last few years, same with Lamar, Streaming QB killed me last year and I think Lamar has a nice comeback year after a pretty so-so year last season. I predict another finish right outside of the playoffs. B-


Tim/Hard (Ba)rs: Jim K’s Guide to NY
Did you not learn from my mistake drafting rookie RBs in the first round last year? And Chubb in PPR when Diggs and Ridley were still on the board isn’t how I would have drafted. But you made up for it by drafting 31 year old Adam Thielen whose TD numbers are almost certainly going wayyyy down this season. That dude is gonna be a huge bust this season. Fortunately, you drafted two more white WRs with very limited upside. Fuller could be a steal if he can stay healthy without the help of Mexican supplements. If Odell has a comeback campaign he’ll be a steal, but we’ve been saying that for the past 3 seasons and we know how that has gone. Myles Gaskin is gonna stink, but if you wanna upgrade from your white WR group, I might be willing to take him off your hands. Trevor Lawrence as your one and only QB? Good luck streaming, it sucks. Also your TE honks and might not even finish as the top TE on his own team. But I hated your draft last year and you wound up winning the entire thing, so… A+


Sarah(‘s Mom)/Board’s Bottom Bitch
By far the highlight of the draft was Sarah’s mom ruining Alex’s night by taking Justin Tucker in the 10th round. Started strong with Davante Adams and Gibson, and followed that up in the 3rd round with… wait, is that right? Tyler Higbee? What?! Is Tyler your cousin or something because why in the fuck would anyone take Tyler Higbee before round 10, let alone round 3? Okay, but one round can’t kill your team, in the 4th round she took… who? Tee Higgins? Oh boy. I can’t keep doing this joke so I’m gonna stop there. But you know what, Justin Tucker in the 10th round gets an automatic B+ despite how poorly the rest of the draft wen't.


Paul/RIP CRUNCHY
The good news? Saquon might play in week one. The bad news? Saquon MIGHT play in week one. Yikes. Even if he stays healthy, will he get the workload you expect out of a round one RB? But that’s okay, drafting a huge injury risk RB isn’t the worst thing so long as you have depth at the position… Hunt, Mostert,…Malcolm Brown. Mostert will be great until week 3 when he gets hurt. Very boom or bust on the WRs with DK, Mike Evans, Ruggs, and Deebo. Not sure why you wasted a pick on Derek Carr after drafting Rodgers, but I’m not gonna shit on a homer pick too much seeing as I took Jeudy in the 5th. Some decent upside overall, but also a very risk prone team. Could work out, much like Tim’s team last year, but seems more likely to be a bust. B-


Jimothy K/The Amazing Corgis
The rare round one and two RB/WR stack with Derrick Henry and AJ Brown was an interesting strategy… let’s see how it works out. Both good players but better in standard scoring. CeeDee seems like he was being drafted at his ceiling and while I think he will be solid, not a great value. And another weird stack grabbing Michael Gallop later in the draft. Your bench has really limited upside, which usually isn’t my strategy, but they could all end up being okay flex plays throughout the year. Can’t fault you too much considering you showed up to the draft despite literally driving on a freeway and zoom chatting at the same time. And at least you didn’t say anything super shocking and awkward during the zoom hang… C


Matt/Supreme Brick Squad
Really like the first three picks (Dalvin, Waller, Keenan Allen). Those three will give you a nice baseline every week. The problem is your depth at WR & RB. All the news around Golladay coming into the season has been really bad (not connecting with Daniel Jones, nursing a hamstring injury), Michael Thomas is out for half the season. Devonta Smith is a rookie and will probably take half a season to breakout (if he does at all). Not a fan of Jacobs this year, the team keeps bringing in RBs that will almost certainly steal touches from him and that just doesn’t bode well for how much trust they have in him as a workhorse back, which he absolutely needs to be if you want him to be a solid RB 2. Then you drafted two handcuff RBs one of which isn’t even a handcuff to a player on your team. Not a big deal as we are all shooting darts in those rounds anyway. Josh Allen should be solid but you paid a premium drafting him in the 4th round. B


Danny/Real Adam Gase
The TRIPLE Stack of Zeke, Dak, and Cooper is something. I don’t know if it’s really smart or really dumb, but it’s something. If there was one team a triple stack could work for, it would probably be Dallas (or KC). Ridley might be the overall number 1 WR at the end of the year and Damien Harris in the 8th could be a great value, the downside is that despite getting him in the 8th round, he is your second RB. And the rest of the RBs you have are big time what if’s, could be great if the opportunity comes, but if not then they will just waste away on the bench getting 5-6 points a week. And two rookie WRs who will likely need some time to breakout isn’t great as your only WR depth. Good starting lineup, despite the triple stack, but the depth on the bench is pretty worrisome if anyone goes down early in the season. C+

[heathenist]

Really regretting not pulling a Jord and giving my team the best grade.

[Deleted]

touche, heathenist

[yosupbro]

Yeah but like espn predicts me being the best so like..whatever man

[heathenist]

Sept 8, 2021 20:51:59 GMT -5 yosupbro said:

Yeah but like espn predicts me being the best so like..whatever man

I did give you one of the highest grades, so it's not like I buried your team or anything.

[itii]

Lot of people talk about drafting thielen, kupp and beasely on the same team. Few out there doing it tho

[killedbyboard]

Honestly wasn't expecting draft grades this year. What a treat.

[Untalented Elvis Costello]

Sept 8, 2021 20:44:58 GMT -5 heathenist said:

Really regretting not pulling a Jord and giving my team the best grade.

integrity

[Untalented Elvis Costello]

bitch

[I Gave You Power]

Sept 8, 2021 20:44:58 GMT -5 heathenist said:

Really regretting not pulling a Jord and giving my team the best grade.

Absolute rookie move.

[sarahohio]

Really wishing I could’ve seen Alex’s reaction 😂

[variousmaterials]

Riding the Tee train hard this year, so fuck you Heathenist, you Will Fuller apologist.

[heathenist]

Sept 9, 2021 12:31:13 GMT -5 variousmaterials said:

Riding the Tee train hard this year, so fuck you Heathenist, you Will Fuller apologist.

To be clear, I like Tee Higgins this year too. I think he will easily be the WR1 because like Jord, I think Chase will be a major bust (at the very least in the first half of this season if not the entire season). BUT, drafting him in the 4th round is a ridiculous reach when guys like James Robinson, Gus Edwards, DJ Moore, Chris Godwin, Myles Gaskin, Diontae Johnson, Jerome Jeudy, etc. were all still on the board. 

To put it in perspective, he was drafted 42nd overall, and his average draft position this year is 72 overall, which means he likely would have been there 2-3 rounds later. 

[Popcorn Sutton]

It’s just straight up twitter rumors at the moment but word is dandre swift may have pulled a Marvin Harrison.

[Deleted]

Sept 9, 2021 13:15:05 GMT -5 @fellamortis said:

It’s just straight up twitter rumors at the moment but word is dandre swift may have pulled a Marvin Harrison.

the full Marvin Harrison? How many mysteriously murdered witnesses we talking?

[itii]

Twitter making a day of it too!

[iamcomo]

how do y'all like Trey Sermon?

[Popcorn Sutton]

Probably not true but it wouldn’t be the NFL without murder accusations flying

[killedbyboard]

It's so cold in the D.

[itii]

Sept 9, 2021 13:50:29 GMT -5 @fellamortis said:

Probably not true but it wouldn’t be the NFL without murder accusations flying

pbs.twimg.com/media/E-3S1xiUcAA0W1i?format=jpg&name=large

[Deleted]

I shouldn’t have benched touchdown brown

[I Gave You Power]

Dak in one league, Amari in the other. Bingo bango.

[itii]

I can kinda see a happy life living just on the over of trey's weekly projections.

I have two receivers up for trade btw

[Deleted]

OB9L opener lost by one point

JPL comes down to L Jax vs Josh Jacobs straight up

[itii]

Sept 12, 2021 23:19:50 GMT -5 @jamesk said:

OB9L opener lost by one point

JPL comes down to L Jax vs Josh Jacobs straight up

Not talking about the corgique. Coward shit.