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Post by Guybrush Threepwood on Jul 7, 2024 23:10:52 GMT -5
Being a father has been kicking my ass lately. Hard to keep my temper around threenager shenanigans and then today at the splash pad the bike fell on my youngest. He wasn't hurt but JFC. Too much room for improvement. Unlocking god levels of patience, though.
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zwansuperfan69
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Post by zwansuperfan69 on Jul 24, 2024 9:16:42 GMT -5
Yo. Zwansuperbaby dropping mid December. Skimming this thread has def reinforced all the terror and excitement. QUESTION- Wife and I are both lucky enough to have some m/paternity leave: she gets 12 weeks and I get 8. She's gonna take all of hers right off the bat, but I'm wondering if I should take all 8 right away as well, or if y'all recommend spacing it out a bit. I can split mine up if needed, with the only real caveat being that I need to use all 8 weeks within the first 6 months after the birth. As of now, I'm thinking I'll take four weeks off at first and be able to have some time and get through the holidays, and then take the other four weeks after my wife's leave is over. Interested to hear what others have done/wish they'd done under similar circumstances. Little background: It's our first kid. We live in the middle of nowhere and don't really have family/friends within an easy driving distance, but my wife's mom is gonna fly in from Philly to help out for a bit after the birth (length of stay tbd but probably for a week or two). I work fully remote, and she works mostly remote, only having to go into an office 1-2 days a week. Look at this fucking freak
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concealer
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Post by concealer on Jul 24, 2024 9:30:05 GMT -5
That ultrasound looks like a mix between Jigsaw and one of the Slipknot singer’s masks, congrats!
I took 12 weeks FMLA time off from work with ours and it was awesome. I had like 4 weeks of PTO I was able to use up and just accepted making no money for the other 2 months. Was worth it for sure but I was fortunate to have money saved for it.
I think your 4/8 + 4 stagger plan sounds pretty good to me. Def maximizes the duration of time and those first few weeks are def an all hands on deck time. As pretty much everyone seems to agree on, each stage is better than the last and things change super quick. So if you’re struggling with something during a phase, remember it’ll prob change sooner than later, and enjoy the cool little things of each stage because they also change and disappear quick. Lots of bittersweet the first few months for sure.
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feelthedorkness
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Post by feelthedorkness on Jul 24, 2024 11:22:05 GMT -5
Yo. Zwansuperbaby dropping mid December. Skimming this thread has def reinforced all the terror and excitement. QUESTION- Wife and I are both lucky enough to have some m/paternity leave: she gets 12 weeks and I get 8. She's gonna take all of hers right off the bat, but I'm wondering if I should take all 8 right away as well, or if y'all recommend spacing it out a bit. I can split mine up if needed, with the only real caveat being that I need to use all 8 weeks within the first 6 months after the birth. As of now, I'm thinking I'll take four weeks off at first and be able to have some time and get through the holidays, and then take the other four weeks after my wife's leave is over. Interested to hear what others have done/wish they'd done under similar circumstances. Little background: It's our first kid. We live in the middle of nowhere and don't really have family/friends within an easy driving distance, but my wife's mom is gonna fly in from Philly to help out for a bit after the birth (length of stay tbd but probably for a week or two). I work fully remote, and she works mostly remote, only having to go into an office 1-2 days a week. Look at this fucking freak I would recommend taking off the full 8 weeks. Thats what I did, adding a week of pto ontop of that too, and it still felt really hard to go back to work. Everyone is different, but the first 8 weeks of parenting (for me at least) is flying by the seat of your pants and total survival mode. I work remotely too, but even still, I would have had a really hard time jumping back into work mode after a month of getting an hour or two of sleep a night and surviving exclusively on mid day naps.
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sarahohio
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Post by sarahohio on Jul 24, 2024 13:46:44 GMT -5
Husband was ableto feel the baby kick for the first time, so that was exciting. I think stuff like that makes it all feel more real for the partner since they don’t experience the physical changes the child bearer does.
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oogracie👻
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Post by oogracie👻 on Jul 24, 2024 13:48:29 GMT -5
Yo. Zwansuperbaby dropping mid December. Skimming this thread has def reinforced all the terror and excitement. QUESTION- Wife and I are both lucky enough to have some m/paternity leave: she gets 12 weeks and I get 8. She's gonna take all of hers right off the bat, but I'm wondering if I should take all 8 right away as well, or if y'all recommend spacing it out a bit. I can split mine up if needed, with the only real caveat being that I need to use all 8 weeks within the first 6 months after the birth. As of now, I'm thinking I'll take four weeks off at first and be able to have some time and get through the holidays, and then take the other four weeks after my wife's leave is over. Interested to hear what others have done/wish they'd done under similar circumstances. Little background: It's our first kid. We live in the middle of nowhere and don't really have family/friends within an easy driving distance, but my wife's mom is gonna fly in from Philly to help out for a bit after the birth (length of stay tbd but probably for a week or two). I work fully remote, and she works mostly remote, only having to go into an office 1-2 days a week. Look at this fucking freak I would take 1 week pre-delivery, 4 weeks post, and then take the remaining 3 weeks later. Even better if your job will allow you to spread the remaining 3 weeks to create a series of long weekends.
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Post by Jon Joseph in a golf cart. on Jul 24, 2024 14:00:59 GMT -5
Husband was ableto feel the baby kick for the first time, so that was exciting. I think stuff like that makes it all feel more real for the partner since they don’t experience the physical changes the child bearer does. It definitely does. The coolest part is when you can feel the baby react to the sound if your voice.
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Mr. Dingle Foot
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Post by Mr. Dingle Foot on Jul 24, 2024 14:15:24 GMT -5
Husband was ableto feel the baby kick for the first time, so that was exciting. I think stuff like that makes it all feel more real for the partner since they don’t experience the physical changes the child bearer does. It definitely does. The coolest part is when you can feel the baby react to the sound if your voice. Even with this, it took me a long time to really feel emotionally attached to the baby while in my wife. It was just so abstract to me. I always said, I was worried about her and she was worried about the baby. I cook most of our meals, so I was trying to make her healthy food, knowing it would support him. But it still took me almost a week after the birth to really feel that deep emotional connection with him.
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gold soundz
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Post by gold soundz on Jul 24, 2024 14:19:39 GMT -5
I took my 12 weeks of paternity leave and quit my job the night before I was scheduled to return lol. wen't back to school and lived off student loans and seasonal work for 6 years while I did the stay at home dad thing. Luckily my wife did well enough that we were able to stay afloat. Definitely rough times financially but overall no regrets and I miss those days so much.
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Mr. Dingle Foot
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Post by Mr. Dingle Foot on Jul 24, 2024 14:20:10 GMT -5
Re: time-off.
I was lucky enough to be able to take off 3 months (and will reduce my hours to 50% as soon as I go back) and I definitely needed all of the time at home. While our situation may not be common, we wen't through a very traumatic birth (emergency c-section, when the babys heart rate dropped to 42 and then 19), then him in intensive care/care for almost 5 days, all while my wife had to recover from the surgery and a cold. A few weeks ago she also started to suffer from ppd and it has but a lot of stress on me. Though she is doing a bit better now, I am so glad I can be here to help; we also have limited family here, so a lot of it fell on me/ our friends near here.
It is a huge adjustment and if you can spend as much time at the beginning, I would recommend that. 4 weeks goes by like nothing and you are still barely getting to understand that you now have a baby.
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BadScene
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Post by BadScene on Jul 24, 2024 14:30:18 GMT -5
Being a father has been kicking my ass lately. Hard to keep my temper around threenager shenanigans and then today at the splash pad the bike fell on my youngest. He wasn't hurt but JFC. Too much room for improvement. Unlocking god levels of patience, though. Yo, don't be too hard on yourself. I actually had to take a hard look at my reactions to my kids recently. One of my big dad-jobs is getting the kids ready in the morning, which I've done since Covid. That shit is fucking hard -- wait until they get to school age. It will rock your world. It's hard trying to keep everyone on a schedule and not snap at people. My daughter is one that will absolutely push things to see how far she can take it, and it makes it really hard sometimes. Some mornings are better. Taking a deep breath and walking out of the room sounds elementary, but it helps. So does keeping a calm voice and walking over to the kid instead of shouting across the room. Other mornings, I snap and yell sometimes. It sucks. I don't want to be that person, that dad. Because in the end, being on time doesn't fucking matter. It's not that big of a deal. I've also found that it helps to acknowledge when you've lost your shit -- apologize and tell them it's not their fault, that as an adult, I need to have better control over my emotions. Hug it out, or not, depending on how they feel about it. Give them their space and sometimes I've been surprised when they come back and apologize too. I've been very surprised by their emotional maturity. We're all learning how to do this shit as it comes. Fuck the family/parent IGs, do what works for you. Being a parent makes you a better person by going through all of this bullshit.
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oogracie👻
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Post by oogracie👻 on Jul 24, 2024 14:33:10 GMT -5
What helps us is when we see other kids acting like maniacs and frustrating their parents in public.
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gold soundz
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Post by gold soundz on Jul 24, 2024 14:34:06 GMT -5
Re: time-off. I was lucky enough to be able to take off 3 months (and will reduce my hours to 50% as soon as I go back) and I definitely needed all of the time at home. While our situation may not be common, we wen't through a very traumatic birth (emergency c-section, when the babys heart rate dropped to 42 and then 19), then him in intensive care/care for almost 5 days, all while my wife had to recover from the surgery and a cold. A few weeks ago she also started to suffer from ppd and it has but a lot of stress on me. Though she is doing a bit better now, I am so glad I can be here to help; we also have limited family here, so a lot of it fell on me/ our friends near here. It is a huge adjustment and if you can spend as much time at the beginning, I would recommend that. 4 weeks goes by like nothing and you are still barely getting to understand that you now have a baby. Yep, similar situation for us. Birth was pretty traumatic, my wife struggled with post partum, and had zero family support. My dad worked midnight shift at manual labor jobs and wasn't around much so I wanted to do everything I could to spend time with him. Sounds corny but he's still my best friend and we do everything together.
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BadScene
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Post by BadScene on Jul 24, 2024 14:38:11 GMT -5
What helps us is when we see other kids acting like maniacs and frustrating their parents in public. God, I love seeing that. Especially when the parents are yuppies. However, more often then not, I find that the maniac kids belong to parents who are completely oblivious. That, or they're simply exhausted from having to deal with them during the other 23 hours.
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Post by Prostate exam event on Jul 24, 2024 15:13:40 GMT -5
Being a father has been kicking my ass lately. Hard to keep my temper around threenager shenanigans and then today at the splash pad the bike fell on my youngest. He wasn't hurt but JFC. Too much room for improvement. Unlocking god levels of patience, though. Don't beat yourself up. It's tough. I know some REAL shitty dads. You don't sound like one. Paradoxically enough, good dads are always worried they're bad dads, and bad dads think they're a gift from God.
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Post by Prostate exam event on Jul 24, 2024 15:18:51 GMT -5
Had to travel for work. I'm going to be away from home every day, except for sat-sun all through August.
My kid was pretty upset the first day I left, but he seems to be fairly resilient. Hasn't thrown more tantrums than usual.
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slander
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Post by slander on Jul 24, 2024 16:33:30 GMT -5
Husband was ableto feel the baby kick for the first time, so that was exciting. I think stuff like that makes it all feel more real for the partner since they don’t experience the physical changes the child bearer does. Yeah I definitely didn't get the shit is getting real feeling as a dude until I felt the first kick.
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oogracie👻
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Post by oogracie👻 on Jul 24, 2024 16:43:01 GMT -5
Had to travel for work. I'm going to be away from home every day, except for sat-sun all through August. My kid was pretty upset the first day I left, but he seems to be fairly resilient. Hasn't thrown more tantrums than usual. Ugh its so hard!!! Makes it so much worse now that they can tell you not to leave (and also expect a gift at every return lmao). My September is looking difficult as i’m in NYC 9/10-13 and then fly home all day on 13th (my 40th bday lol), and then my mom is in town until 18th for HER bday, and then I am in Houston the 23-26. Barf. It’s so hard, hang in there!
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inheritedhell
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Post by inheritedhell on Jul 24, 2024 17:44:53 GMT -5
My two week old been keeping me up all night the past two nights. Dying here.
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zwansuperfan69
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Post by zwansuperfan69 on Jul 24, 2024 21:04:49 GMT -5
Sincere thank you for all the feedback and advice on navigating work and the first few months of parent life.
Couple things that hadn't really dawned on me are potentially tacking normal PTO on to the end (or beginning) of my paternity leave and/or potentially working 50% days/weeks over a longer time span. I spoke with some HR folk today and they reassured me that even if I do decide to take my entire leave right away (or decide to split it) at first and then decide to adjust based on how the delivery and first couple weeks goes, they're willing to work with me. I imagine I'll wait until we're a bit closer to launch before making any final decisions, but again, really appreciate the food for thought.
Still haven't felt a kick yet, but the lil lady is getting more active every day-- so hopefully soon.
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Tstigz
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Post by Tstigz on Jul 24, 2024 21:15:47 GMT -5
My dad yelled at me all the time when I was a kid. I was playing catch with him once when I was real little and I remember him screaming at me frustrated that I wasn’t catching the baseball. Turns out I’m -6 in both eyes aka I’m blind and needed glasses and couldn’t see the ball. I raise my voice sometimes at my 3 year old and I feel like my dad and then I feel like shit for hours. I always apologize to him but god damn sometimes it’s hard to break the cycle.
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throwdemgunz
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Post by throwdemgunz on Jul 24, 2024 21:29:16 GMT -5
Wife is getting induced the day after tomorrow for daughter #2. We’re simultaneously more relaxed about it because we know the drill but also stressed because we’ll have to navigate managing a newborn and our very active 2 and a half year old.
I get 16 weeks off which I’m super grateful for and my older kid has started daycare/pre school so we’ll have some solo time with the baby during the day.
Still feels a little surreal and it hasn’t fully hit me yet but I’m excited for my kids to meet each other.
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Mr. Dingle Foot
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Post by Mr. Dingle Foot on Jul 24, 2024 23:47:55 GMT -5
For the soon-to-be, here are a couple of things I would have done differently/tried to prepare more (tomorrow is 8 weeks for us): 1) food - depending on your level of support, you will not want to cook in the first few weeks. We made a ton ofnsoups and froze them into 2portion jars. We also made frozen sauces and lasanga so that we had some dinners ready, and were stocked up on frozen veggies, fake meats and pastas. If someone asks what you want for a gift, a temporary subscription to one of those meals-in-a-box may not be terrible. 2) sleep seperately so that one of you can get some rest. This took us a while to feel comfortable with but I sleep in a room with our son and take him to my wife when he is ready to breastfeed. I go back to bed and she feeds/changes/puts him back to sleep and brings him to me and she goes back to sleep. She will text me if I should feed him in thr morning so she can sleep or if she wants to be woken up when he is ready. We both get some quiet sleep this way. Breast vs bottle: we have found a mix works best and gives my wife some sense of freedom. We mix between pumped milk and formula. Help: get and use it, where you can. We pay our midwives daughter just to come vacuum and clean the bathroom once a week. We found this video helpful (in german but with subtitles: youtu.be/rtIrIfqDRv0?feature=shared
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sarahohio
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Post by sarahohio on Jul 25, 2024 7:01:59 GMT -5
Wife is getting induced the day after tomorrow for daughter #2. We’re simultaneously more relaxed about it because we know the drill but also stressed because we’ll have to navigate managing a newborn and our very active 2 and a half year old. I get 16 weeks off which I’m super grateful for and my older kid has started daycare/pre school so we’ll have some solo time with the baby during the day. Still feels a little surreal and it hasn’t fully hit me yet but I’m excited for my kids to meet each other. 16 weeks?! You must live in Europe, right?
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throwdemgunz
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Post by throwdemgunz on Jul 25, 2024 7:55:46 GMT -5
Wife is getting induced the day after tomorrow for daughter #2. We’re simultaneously more relaxed about it because we know the drill but also stressed because we’ll have to navigate managing a newborn and our very active 2 and a half year old. I get 16 weeks off which I’m super grateful for and my older kid has started daycare/pre school so we’ll have some solo time with the baby during the day. Still feels a little surreal and it hasn’t fully hit me yet but I’m excited for my kids to meet each other. 16 weeks?! You must live in Europe, right? I do not. My company gives 16 weeks for the primary caregiver and 4 weeks for the secondary. I told my manager my plan was to take 4 weeks and she immediately said I should just declare as the primary caregiver and take the full time. They really could not have been cooler about it.
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sarahohio
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Post by sarahohio on Jul 25, 2024 8:22:12 GMT -5
16 weeks?! You must live in Europe, right? I do not. My company gives 16 weeks for the primary caregiver and 4 weeks for the secondary. I told my manager my plan was to take 4 weeks and she immediately said I should just declare as the primary caregiver and take the full time. They really could not have been cooler about it. That is so awesome
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theonefreeman
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Post by theonefreeman on Jul 25, 2024 8:41:56 GMT -5
Husband was ableto feel the baby kick for the first time, so that was exciting. I think stuff like that makes it all feel more real for the partner since they don’t experience the physical changes the child bearer does. Yeah I definitely didn't get the shit is getting real feeling as a dude until I felt the first kick. I honestly didn't get it until the baby was handed to me after she was cleaned off. It kind of bothered me because I consider myself an empathetic person, but the experience of creating a life inside of you is such a foreign thing to men that it felt like there was a barrier I couldn't break through. I obviously knew my child was in there and growing. Fatherhood didn't feel real until the day she was born though.
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oogracie👻
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Post by oogracie👻 on Jul 25, 2024 9:00:31 GMT -5
16 weeks for the birth-giver is also very generous. We get 12 and I used 4 PTO additional.
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sarahohio
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Post by sarahohio on Jul 25, 2024 9:05:47 GMT -5
16 weeks for the birth-giver is also very generous. We get 12 and I used 4 PTO additional. They give me 6 weeks paid where I don't have to use any of my time. I can take an additional 6 right after or randomly up until the child is 1, but it will use my sick time. I can do it in a clump or a day here and there.
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oogracie👻
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Post by oogracie👻 on Jul 25, 2024 9:13:45 GMT -5
To be completely honest I wen't back early (working from home) with BOTH kids. Guess i’m just a work freak or something, but I was ready to start using other parts of my brain by 12 weeks.
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